Did you know that every minute 293,000 Facebook status’ are posted? Oh you don’t care? Hmm OK… What if i told you “I just heard the funniest status ever”. Ha, now I have your attention!
People always want to read funny Facebook statuses. So we’ve gone to work to find you 50 of the funniest Facebook posts of all time. So grab some popcorn and take a read of our funny status updates.
what did the designer of the drawing board go back to when his first design failed.
Is it just me, or did we used to have normal-smelling shampoos before? Everything was strawberyy, and peppermint and citrus. Nice normal scents. Now i pick up a bottle and it’s like DEW GATHERED BY MONKS FROM THE HIMALAYA MOUNTAINS MIXED WITH A ROOT OF AN ASNCLSHBK PLQNT THAT GROWS ONLY IN AN OSCURE VILLAGE IN AMAZONIA, WITH A DASH OF MAGICAL BERRIES FROM NARNIA TO GIVE YOUR HAIR VOLUME. WHICH STILL SMELLS LIKE CITRUS ANYWAY.
Facebook Statuses be like.. “I have 5 mins to do whats going to take me 20. Id’m going to be late for work”. If you’re going to be late to work why are you spending 2 minutes writing a status?
I don’t trust stairs. They always look like they’re up to something.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The real reason women live longer than men is because they don’t have to live with women
Why to wait 3 days to call a girl you just met, Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait three days thing. He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he’d had waited one day a lot of people wouldn’t have even heard that he died! They would be all, “Hey Jesus Whadup!” and Jesus would probably be like “Whadup?, I died yesterday” and then they’d be all, “Uh, you look pretty alive to me dude,” and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle and then the dude would be like, “Uh okay, whatever you say bro.” And he’s not gonna come back on a Saturday. Everybody’s busy! Doing chores, working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days…three. Plus it’s Sunday, so everyone’s in church already! They’re all in there, “Oh no, Jesus is dead.” Then, bam! He burst through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone is totally psyched. And FYI, that’s when he invented the high five. Three days People. We wait three days to call a woman because that’s how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct….I put in “Beach house” and ended up in my ex’s driveway.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn’t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Struggling to get your wife’s attention?…..just sit down and look comfortable
Oh, it’s sunny outside. I better update my Facebook status for all of my friends that don’t have windows.
Im just writing this status to piss off mum because she said don’t write on walls
Nothing says you’re ugly like Facebook asking, “are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?”
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
people trying to smart be like “I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.”
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
I throw my sandwich in the air sometimes saying, “ayo I ordered mayo”.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around.
If sex with three people is called a threesome then sex with two people would be a twosome. Can you understand why they call me handsome?
If your parachute doesn’t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
The real reason women live longer than men because they don’t have to live with women.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
The longer the title the less important the job.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.